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Post by Surreal Madrid on Dec 18, 2016 18:46:51 GMT
Those Mancunian computer programmers really know how to party. They are totally mad for I.T.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 18, 2016 19:43:35 GMT
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?" Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by oxymoron on Dec 18, 2016 20:36:22 GMT
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 20, 2016 15:45:08 GMT
A man walks into a chemist shop with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, ' What are these, Dad?' To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'' Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' He asks, picking up a 12 Pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........ Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Dec 20, 2016 15:48:35 GMT
I'm getting Bonnie Tyler's new Cardiology DVD for Christmas. It's totally clips of the heart.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 20, 2016 21:30:22 GMT
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet. Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Dec 21, 2016 17:04:02 GMT
I'm only an hour into my semaphore class and I'm already starting to flag.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 23, 2016 19:59:45 GMT
An elderly Couple is at the Doctor's office. The Doctor asks them if there are any concerns they'd like to discuss? The old man says, "Lately when I have sex with my wife, I've noticed that after the first time I'm usually hot and sweaty and after the second time I'm cold and chilly." The Doctor replies. "Mmmm, I've never heard of this." The wife jumps in and says, "The reason he's hot and sweaty after the first time we have sex, and cold and chilly after the second time we have sex is because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!" Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 24, 2016 15:40:37 GMT
Every day at work, a male co-worker gets close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget." Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jan 3, 2017 10:58:24 GMT
A Surgeon went to check on his Blonde patient after an operation and began to examine her. "You'll be fine." he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?" The Surgeon paused, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" The Surgeon replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jan 6, 2017 13:05:21 GMT
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Boogaloo on Jan 6, 2017 16:49:52 GMT
Went to a job interview, and the interviewer asked "Have you got a police record?"
I said "Yes, many. Every breath you take, Roxanne, Message in a bottle...."
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Jan 6, 2017 16:57:28 GMT
I see Roy Walker has released a tribute to Whitney Houston by covering one of her hits. It's called 'It's Good But It's Not Right But It's OK'.
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Post by saddletramp on Jan 7, 2017 12:41:10 GMT
A woman is a massive Liverpool fan so she decides to have a tattoo of Kenny Dalglish on the left cheek of her arse and Stevie Gee on the right.Unable to see the tattoos,she decides to ask a stranger what he thinks ?She whips up her skirt,bends over and asks if he can recognise the footballers on her arse ?"oh yes" he replies "3 of the most recognisable men in football " "3" she asks ? "yes,King Kenny on the left,Stevie Gee on the right and Jimmy Hill in the middle"
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Post by saddletramp on Jan 16, 2017 5:11:15 GMT
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir
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Post by Boogaloo on Jan 18, 2017 16:50:29 GMT
Donald Trump is due to appear in a new James Bond film - The Man with the Golden Rug
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Post by saddletramp on Jan 20, 2017 15:00:07 GMT
For those of you stuck on today's crossword,7 UP is Lemonade.
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Post by oxymoron on Jan 20, 2017 17:51:54 GMT
I couldn't believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there...........
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Post by Boogaloo on Mar 2, 2017 11:25:01 GMT
Friends and families of a recently deceased traffic warden have arrived at the local crematorium to pay their last respects. But just as the furnace is lit up, there is a loud knocking from the coffin. "Help, help, let me out! I'm still alive!"
The undertaker with a wry smile on his face says "I'm really sorry sir, but the paperwork has already been done"!
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Post by Boogaloo on Mar 7, 2017 12:43:45 GMT
My CV so far:-
Postman - Got the sack on my first day
Drill Engineer - Didn't like it, as it was boring
Vacuum Cleaner Engineer - That sucked.
Binman - The job was rubbish
Bungee jumper - I kept get suspended
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Post by ox44xp on Mar 7, 2017 13:10:50 GMT
I once had a job as a binman, but I was disappointed with the lack of formal training.
I had to pick it up as I went along
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Post by Boogaloo on Mar 16, 2017 16:01:01 GMT
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm highwayman from the 1980s."
"Are you sure"?
"I'm AdamAnt"
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Post by saddletramp on Mar 22, 2017 15:18:56 GMT
2 paddy's sat in a pub in London,one says "what part of the old country do you come from ?" "Dublin" comes the reply "i'm a Dublin man as well,what part of Dublin would that be?" "North Dublin" "thats a coincidence,so am i,What part of North Dublin ?" "Church street" "this is uncanny,i was born on Church street,what school did you go to ?" "St Mary's" "this is getting scary,i was at St Marys as well !!" Just then a man walks in and goes to the bar,he says to the landlord "alright Steve hows things ?" Ok says Steve "but its going to be a long night" "Hows that " asks the customer ? "The Murphy twins are p*ssed again !"
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Post by Bue Guado on Mar 26, 2017 12:04:34 GMT
Oxford get drawn out the hat to play Swindon in the FA Cup. Just as in 2002, the BBC decides to broadcast the match. Unfortunately colleagues Dave and Jim, Oxford and Swindon fans respectively, are busy at work and are unable to view the match live. They agree to record the game and watch it together the following day.
The next day, as they sit down to the match, they have a £50 bet with each other over the outcome of the game. Sure as eggs is eggs, Oxford go on to beat the scum. However, when Jim pulls out his wallet to pay up, Dave gets a sudden pang of guilt and says "Listen Jim, I've got to be honest, when I got home last night I watched the highlights on MOTD. I knew Oxford were going to win, I can't take your money". "That's fine Dave", said Jim, handing over the money anyway. "So did I, but I didn't think we'd lose a second time!" "Alright then" said Dave, rewinding to the the beginning of the game. "Double or quits?"
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Post by behindthegoal on Apr 13, 2017 19:22:37 GMT
I saw Michael J Fox in the local garden centre....It deffo was him 'cos he had his back to the fuchsia
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Post by oxymoron on Apr 17, 2017 10:34:51 GMT
I asked the wife how her diet was going.
"Not bad" she said "I only had two eggs for breakfast this morning"
"Poached or boiled" I enquired.
"Cadbury's" she answered.........
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Post by saddletramp on Apr 29, 2017 7:14:13 GMT
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen,the police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals. In other news a shipment of laxatives has been stolen,the thieves are believed to be on the run.
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Post by oufcyellows on Apr 29, 2017 7:17:22 GMT
They ain't hardened criminals, they just been using the viagra as eye drops to make them look hard
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Post by haloras on May 3, 2017 22:25:22 GMT
Can anyone help me to cancel a bid on eBay. I placed a bid for s cowboy outfit and in 6 minutes I'll own S*****n town FC!!
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Post by gofish2 on May 8, 2017 20:36:43 GMT
How many Psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change.........
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