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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 14, 2016 8:02:49 GMT
A bloke is walking through the countryside when he sees a well just off the beaten path. Wondering how deep it is he throws down a stone and listens carefully, but hears no splash. Looking round he says a great big lump of concrete, so throws this down instead. A few seconds later there is a very loud splash. Whilst trying to calculate the depth of the well he steps away from the edge and glances up.
Running full pelt towards him is a very angry looking billy goat. Head down, feet pounding the ground, going faster and faster it runs straight at him. At the last possible second he dives aside and watches it jump into the well.
Believing himself to be in some sort of fairytale land, he walks away and begins to compose a tweet telling all his friends about the weird and wonderful thing he has just seen. Hearing something he looks up, and sees a farmer on the path looking confused. The farmer asks,
"Have you seen my billy goat? It can't have gone far, it was tied to a great big lump of concrete...."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 18, 2016 10:02:00 GMT
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring stupid asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by cj on Oct 18, 2016 10:14:50 GMT
Our local pizza place burned down last night, taking the other shops nearby down one by one. That's the dominos effect :-)
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Oct 18, 2016 12:17:30 GMT
I'm off to Autopsy club later. It's open Mike night.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 18, 2016 13:35:52 GMT
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that's a REAL Businessman! Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 18, 2016 13:51:01 GMT
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.) What were you thinking? Her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails. I worry about you all sometimes! Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by saddletramp on Oct 22, 2016 6:27:11 GMT
UK border forces are asking people to keep an eye out for a 1951 Red Chevrolet which they believe is being used for people smuggling.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 22, 2016 15:31:50 GMT
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re seventy...............who cares? Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by bigronaldo on Oct 25, 2016 9:28:52 GMT
It was our 10th wedding anniversary. That night, The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?" I said: "I wanted to **** your brains out and suck your tits dry". She said: "and what are you thinking now?" "Looks like I did a pretty good job!
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Post by saddletramp on Oct 29, 2016 5:58:20 GMT
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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 30, 2016 9:07:00 GMT
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.” The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?” Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket" Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by saddletramp on Nov 7, 2016 8:29:58 GMT
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Post by Maurice Earp on Nov 8, 2016 12:08:00 GMT
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage." I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. I just got out of prison..." Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Nov 19, 2016 19:16:35 GMT
Off to Florida next year. A well deserved holiday. Just rang Sea World in Orlando to check on the ticket prices. They said my call would be recorded for training porpoises.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Nov 23, 2016 16:26:22 GMT
A husband and wife get in a car accident. Husband's okay other than some scrapes and bruises, but wife falls into a coma. For weeks the husband sits by her side in the hospital. One night, though he feels bad about it, he starts getting horny. He reaches over, slides his hand under her gown, runs his hand slowly up her thigh, but pulls it back suddenly when he notices the beeping heart monitor pick up pace. The next day he takes the doctor aside and tells him. "Interesting," the doctor says, "She's responding. Maybe try more tonight? Maybe oral sex?" The husband still thinks it's a little wrong, but agrees to try it. That night, a Code Blue rings out in the halls. Nurses rush in to revive the flatlining wife. The husband stands outside, stunned, when the doctor pulls him aside and asks "What happened? Did you try the oral sex?" "Yes," says the husband, blankly. "Well, what happened?" the doctor asks. The husband answers, "Well, she just started choking." Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Maurice Earp on Nov 24, 2016 19:40:14 GMT
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription. Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 2, 2016 11:19:15 GMT
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God. God asks Bush: “What do you believe in”? Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American nation and so on ..." God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the chair on my right" God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in”? Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ". God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit in the chair on my left" Finally God asks Trump : “What do you believe in”? Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair”. Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Dec 2, 2016 11:52:26 GMT
Jokes about sugar are rare. But jokes about brown sugar? Demerara.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 3, 2016 18:28:21 GMT
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action' . Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often . I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 4, 2016 16:49:41 GMT
A Liverpool fan walks into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a small break away in England for the Christmas period, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year." Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by bazzer9461 on Dec 8, 2016 19:38:37 GMT
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working......Slap her on the arse and tell her to get back to work
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Post by bazzer9461 on Dec 8, 2016 19:40:43 GMT
How do you embarras an archeologist? .... Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from
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Post by bazzer9461 on Dec 8, 2016 19:42:47 GMT
What do you call a woman walking around in flip flops in winter........Fat
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Post by ox9hp18 on Dec 8, 2016 20:01:35 GMT
i bought my wife an artificial leg for xmas , its not her main present , just a stocking filler !
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Post by bazzer9461 on Dec 8, 2016 21:48:16 GMT
What's the difference between your bonus and you ur penis.....guarantee your wife will blow your bonus
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Post by bazzer9461 on Dec 8, 2016 21:54:05 GMT
Had knock on the door today and it was a charity organisation asking for a donation towards the new swimming pool..........so I gave him a glass of water
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Post by bazzer9461 on Dec 8, 2016 21:56:01 GMT
Just read that 3,264,327 people got married last year, I come want to cause any trouble because t shouldn't that number even
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 14, 2016 19:01:25 GMT
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it ! Join OxVox www.oxvox.org.uk/join-oxvox/
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Post by malcolmnl on Dec 14, 2016 20:20:36 GMT
As an ex Oxford licensed taxi driver I know that it is true. I never once got stopped driving the taxi even when I' d been partaking of the yellow oil.
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Dec 18, 2016 17:06:18 GMT
It's funny when they say music can transport you to a different place. I went into a pub earlier and they were playing Little Mix on the jukebox.
I immediately left for another pub.
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