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Post by gorilla on May 10, 2017 14:20:33 GMT
I just bought a new TV so that i could watch the Championship Play-Off's. Very nice TV but it comes with no Leeds
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Post by gorilla on May 10, 2017 14:24:46 GMT
I found my first grey pubic hair today. I'm not usually bothered by this sort of thing, but it was in my Big Mac
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Post by gorilla on May 10, 2017 14:30:48 GMT
Three people having sex is called a threesome, two people having sex is called a twosome. I think I just worked out why people call me handsome!!
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Post by mooro on May 11, 2017 12:01:14 GMT
How many Psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change......... How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Not sure - one, two, two, one, one, two, one, two.........
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Post by haloras on May 11, 2017 12:53:35 GMT
I swapped our marital bed for a trampoline. The Mrs hit the roof.
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Post by oufcyellows on May 11, 2017 12:54:54 GMT
Swindon town
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Post by Boogaloo on Jun 27, 2017 10:41:13 GMT
I saw a great TV programme on how ship panels were bonded together. Riveting.
My mate is convinced that the best James Bond song is "The World is not enough". I told him it's Garbage.
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Post by malcolmnl on Jul 16, 2017 7:42:06 GMT
A Buddhist walks up to a hot-dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Jul 20, 2017 19:05:28 GMT
The founder of Parcelforce has sadly died. His funeral will be next Tuesday between 7am and 6pm.
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Post by oxymoron on Jul 20, 2017 19:45:25 GMT
The man who invented anagrams has also died.
May he erect a penis......
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Jul 22, 2017 10:20:09 GMT
I've just heard that dog from "Britain's Got Talent" has died. RIP Amanda.
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Jul 27, 2017 14:31:04 GMT
Sean Connery has found his niche. She was in his garden with his nephew.
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Post by diagocostapacket on Aug 10, 2017 11:37:21 GMT
Two Swindon Town fans, Wayne and Kerr, fishing in a boat in the middle of the lakes on a Saturday afternoon in September.
Late afternoon, after a fruitless spell of no bites, Wayne picks up his rod and breaks it over his knee in a tantrum and throws it into the lake whist mumbling “f*ck it, f*ck it, f*ck it” under his breath.
“What the hells up Wayne ” said Kerr
“ Swindon have just lost and ballsed up my accy”
“Crikey we are miles form the bank, no phone, no radio, no internet how the hell do you know that.”
“Its quarter to five” said Wayne
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Post by mariokempes on Aug 10, 2017 15:00:33 GMT
Very awkward moment for me this morning when my 7 year old son asked me what a dick was. fortunately a bloke in a Manchester United shirt was passing us at the same time.....
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Post by brokeandobscure on Aug 10, 2017 19:17:48 GMT
why is it so bad being an egg?
because it takes you ten minutes to get hard, you only get laid once, and the only bird to sit on your face is your mum.
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Post by saddletramp on Aug 13, 2017 9:22:56 GMT
Just renewed my subscription for the DNA.(National Dyslexic Association)
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Post by diagocostapacket on Aug 13, 2017 16:58:44 GMT
A good looking man walked into the agent's office in Hollywood and said ,'' I want to be a movie star.'' Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right Credentials.
The agent asked, ''What's your name?''
The guy said,'' my name is Penis van Lesbian.''
The agent said, '' Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.''
'' I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old Dutch name, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.''
The agent said,'' Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, Try the Porn industry or you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to be your agent.''
'' So be it! I guess we will not do business together,'' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
Twenty Five years later....The same agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for £100,000. The agent is awe- struck, who would possibly send him such an amount of money.?
He reads the letter enclosed......
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become a actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my ancestral birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made such a success had I not listened to your advice and changed my name, so I would like you to accept the enclosed a cheque as a token of my heart felt appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Most Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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Post by saddletramp on Aug 20, 2017 7:45:14 GMT
I saw the mother in law being attacked by 5 masked men in the street. "Aren't you going to help" said the missus. "I suppose so" i replied," No way is 5 enough to take that Psycho on"
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Post by Yellow River on Aug 22, 2017 6:42:46 GMT
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017.
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeon
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
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Post by saddletramp on Sept 2, 2017 7:09:23 GMT
A campaign has started in Philadelphia to pull down the famous Rocky Balboa statue.Antifa protester Mary Moanalot said,"its a statue celebrating racism,it glorifies a right wing white man beating up two black men and a communist"
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Post by HeyMcAleny on Sept 13, 2017 22:14:30 GMT
A man goes out to the pub after work and gets badly drunk. He says to his friend "I am in terrible trouble. My wife warned me that if I didn't stop drinking heavily she would leave me, and I've been sick all over my jacket".
His friend says "Don't worry. Put a £20 note in your jacket, and when she finds it you tell her that someone else was sick on your jacket and gave you £20 to pay for the cleaning."
So the man goes home and sure enough the wife sees him and smells his jacket and demands to know what has happened. So the man tells the story about someone being sick on his jacket and giving him £20 to pay for the cleaning.
The wife checks the jacket pockets and finds two £20 notes.
"Ah yes" he says, "the other £20 was from the man who shat in my pants".
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Post by jambon46 on Sept 27, 2017 19:19:20 GMT
Not a joke as such but made me laugh. On the way back from Bury last night I had Radio Lancashire on and it was the late night phone in, this chap called in with a broad Northwest accent said (based on that days news); " I see Women can't drive in Saudi, well Alan Women can't bloody drive in Wigan as well" I guess you had to be there...
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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 10, 2017 18:53:13 GMT
HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
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Post by Maurice Earp on Nov 2, 2017 18:14:23 GMT
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.” “I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck. “And you can talk!” exclaims the barman. “I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?” “Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?” “I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.” The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!” “Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.” So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.” “I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?” “At the circus,” says the barman. “The circus?” repeats the duck. “That’s right,” replies the barman. “The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?” “Yeah,” the barman replies. “With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck. “Of course,” the barman replies. “And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck. “That’s right!” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. “What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Nov 3, 2017 13:45:35 GMT
The inventor of the dishwasher sadly died last week. At his funeral today, the pall-bearers lowered his coffin into the ground after which his wife took it out and put it in properly.
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Post by saddletramp on Nov 4, 2017 8:03:23 GMT
2 married circus performers can't have children so decide to adopt. They go for an interview at the adoption agency. "I'm a little worried about life in a caravan" asks the interviewer. "I can assure you"says the circus man,"our caravan has 4 bedrooms,en-suite,Sky TV everything,it's a luxury caravan" "Ok" say the man,i'm also worried about who will look after the child when you are not at home" "Here sir is the CV of our nanny,she will look after the child 24/7" "Very impressive,but what about education ? life on the road means the child won't attend a regular school" "Here is the C.V. of our teacher,she will travel with us in the caravan and our child will get 1 on 1 tuition" "Well i am impressed,i must say i had reservations about you as parents,but you have passed every criteria to be good parents,congratulations,i will recommend you to the adoption agency,the only question now,is do you want a boy or a girl ?"
"To be honest sir,we're not fussed as long as they fit in a cannon"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Nov 6, 2017 6:20:15 GMT
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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Post by diagocostapacket on Nov 15, 2017 21:53:10 GMT
Tom the junior sales Director gets a call from the Chairman.
"Come to the Board room Tom and take a seat outside the door, I will call you when I want you to come in.."
So Tom goes to the boardroom and sits outside waiting..
First along comes the Senior Sales Director, opens the door and walks in.
Ten minutes later its the Marketing Director similarly, followed at intervals by the Managing Director, Company Secretary, Commercial Director, Vice President, Financial Director and Finally Human Resources Director...the whole of the senior board of Management was assembled in the one room and young Tom was getting really worried.
The Chairmans secretary and Pa, Miss Smith sat at the adjacent desk, turned to Tom and said.. "You can go in now."
Tom was made to stand at the end of a long table, the rest of the Board sat huddled around the chairman appearing to be rather uncomfortable..
The Chairman Spoke..
"I'm going to ask you a question Tom and I want a truthful and honest answer.. the future of us all and the company depends upon it"
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary Miss Smith.. ??"
"Absolutely not !" said Tom quite perturbed.
"Are you sure ? "
"Quite sure, I don't really know her.."
"Are you telling us you are absolutely positive you have not had sex with her..?"
" Absolutely I've not even so much as brushed against her in the corridor and strenuously refute any accusations that I may have.."
"Good" said the Chairman...... "In that case YOU can fire her."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Nov 19, 2017 17:46:26 GMT
An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom – poof!! - the light goes on. When I'm done - poof!! - the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!! - the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof!! - the light goes off?" "Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
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Post by mariokempes on Nov 20, 2017 11:23:12 GMT
I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.
She said "how many years have you had it for?"
I said "15 Love"
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