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Post by Surreal Madrid on Apr 19, 2016 15:06:00 GMT
I've just baked a very violent birthday cake. OK! WHO WANTS SOME? WHO WANTS SOME?
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 19, 2016 15:17:14 GMT
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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Post by bazzer9461 on Apr 19, 2016 16:30:26 GMT
A guy goes into the Chemists and asks for a pack of three condoms, The Chemist asks "would you like. Bag" to which the guy replies " It's ok she isn't that ugly"
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Post by bazzer9461 on Apr 19, 2016 16:32:51 GMT
Three little old ladies are sat in the park feeding the birds, When a man comes out of the bushes and flashes at them,
Two of the little old ladies has a stroke the third couldn't quite reach.
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Post by bazzer9461 on Apr 19, 2016 16:35:30 GMT
A dick has a sad life.
His hair is a mess, His family are nuts , His next door neighbour is an arsehole, His best friend is a pussy, His owner beats him habitually.
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Post by bazzer9461 on Apr 19, 2016 16:38:09 GMT
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said" I've shaved my pussy, You know what that means?" Yes the f*cking drain is clogged again.
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 6, 2016 18:42:42 GMT
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home". The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home " Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. "
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 6, 2016 18:47:09 GMT
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
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Post by oldham on May 6, 2016 22:11:41 GMT
I looked at my wife's face as I was having sex today, she looked so angry, mind you she was watching me through the living room window!
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 17, 2016 15:31:49 GMT
A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry.
You even called the cat, "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 25, 2016 6:50:34 GMT
Don't know if this is true but it made me laugh AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex
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Post by saddletramp on May 26, 2016 12:10:38 GMT
Saw this on t'Internet, made me smile. MAN UNITED fan signs new one year contract. Bill Smith of Ashford Kent has signed a new one year contract at Old Trafford. He had been strongly linked with a move to Leicester!
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 29, 2016 14:06:23 GMT
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a Nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 29, 2016 14:07:31 GMT
Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to how he had supported every Native American issue that came to the news media.
Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."
The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Donald Trump.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 31, 2016 18:16:30 GMT
A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,
"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that ?" he said.
...
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs".
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 1, 2016 17:26:19 GMT
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same.” "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing Seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when the drinks are half-price.”
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Jun 2, 2016 14:55:43 GMT
My Geordie friend told me he was really good at flirting but when I threw him in the swimming pool he sank.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 6, 2016 17:10:59 GMT
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter and not a maintenance matter"
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."
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Post by saddletramp on Jun 11, 2016 8:40:03 GMT
Ive got a ticket for England v Wales at the Euros next week. Trouble is its my wedding day. So if anyone wants to go in my place,give me a call. Its at the big Church in Wantage and the receptions at Lains barn !
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Post by luke on Jun 11, 2016 9:16:24 GMT
Ive got a ticket for England v Wales at the Euros next week. Trouble is its my wedding day. So if anyone wants to go in my place,give me a call. Its at the big Church in Wantage and the receptions at Lains barn ! Ha!.... not like i've heard that joke a hundred times this week. *YAWN*
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Jun 11, 2016 9:32:07 GMT
Just like to give a big shout out to all of the successful bee keepers out there. Everyone of them an unstung hero.
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Post by chicagohope on Jun 12, 2016 3:31:28 GMT
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something that I could really see myself doing
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Post by oufcyellows on Jun 12, 2016 6:53:45 GMT
I used to deliver fish. Standing in that bloody stream all day saying push push
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Post by saddletramp on Jun 12, 2016 6:56:26 GMT
I used to deliver fish. Standing in that bloody steam all day saying push push "Steam" was it hot ?
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Post by oufcyellows on Jun 12, 2016 6:57:58 GMT
I used to deliver fish. Standing in that bloody steam all day saying push push "Steam" was it hot ? Rrrrrrrr
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Post by oxymoron on Jun 12, 2016 9:12:20 GMT
When will the madness end.................
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Post by malcolmnl on Jun 12, 2016 10:17:19 GMT
House party- there's always one left over in the morning!
Lying on the floor behind the sofa, fuckin legless, can't stand! Asked him where he lived then dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, fuckin' legs all over the place! Chucked him in the car and took him home!
Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door! "Brought your son home from the party!" His mum replies "did you bring his wheelchair?"
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Post by oufcyellows on Jul 12, 2016 18:49:59 GMT
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
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Post by oldham on Jul 12, 2016 21:01:56 GMT
Walking round the covered market the other day I saw this guy throwing domestos all over the fruit stall, the police arrested him and charged him with a bleach of the peach!
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Post by milburn on Jul 12, 2016 21:06:06 GMT
My arse was sore after a curry.
The wife said "ringsting"
I said 'what the f*ck will he know about it?"
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