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Post by saddletramp on Jul 29, 2016 8:10:49 GMT
I was in Asda yesterday, this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change. "£1.03 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face. "I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied... she didn't get it so I thought f*ck it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I asked. "Don't do me no favours," she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jul 29, 2016 17:48:55 GMT
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, as Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her, she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia, that morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new-found knowledge with you!!
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Post by saddletramp on Aug 9, 2016 9:56:35 GMT
I used to be in R.E.M. You don't believe me ? Watch the video "that's me in the corner"
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Post by oxymoron on Aug 9, 2016 17:52:47 GMT
Are the words "Do Not Touch" the most frightening thing you can read in braille.......
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Aug 9, 2016 18:50:05 GMT
The RSPCA have banned me from keeping my pet Dolphin in the bath. They said it's not fit for porpoise.
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Aug 10, 2016 14:32:43 GMT
Just watching the Ladies Beach Volleyball at the Olympics and there's been a bad wrist injury. I should be OK by the weekend though..
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Post by Maurice Earp on Aug 11, 2016 18:48:34 GMT
Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him.
Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message
370HSSV 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA.
They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.
Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Aug 15, 2016 17:28:02 GMT
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson.
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: "I wasn't.”
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Aug 16, 2016 15:15:18 GMT
There are far too many track & field events in the Olympics. Discus.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Aug 17, 2016 13:14:39 GMT
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old.
Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, " Well, I couldn't walk for about a year."
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Post by Boogaloo on Aug 25, 2016 13:30:40 GMT
The 'S' on my Speedos have come off, and now I've been banned from local swimming baths
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Post by Boogaloo on Aug 25, 2016 13:32:12 GMT
Swimming teacher said to me, "The final thing you need to do to get your swimming badge is tread water"
I said, "Who the f**k do you think I am? Jesus?"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Aug 25, 2016 20:45:07 GMT
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and US$100,000 in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates ?"
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
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Post by Maurice Earp on Aug 28, 2016 9:54:37 GMT
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh",said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump’s clock?" asked the man. St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."
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Post by mariokempes on Sept 1, 2016 20:48:12 GMT
News Im hearing from Manchester Pep Guardiola has quite a military air about him to the extent that the players have jokingly given him an army rank. He's also pulled the plug on friendlies against Torino due to a dispute over the terms of the (for now) England goalkeeper's temporary move there. In fact it's.... Sgt Pep Has Loanee Hart's Club Banned
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Post by saddletramp on Sept 5, 2016 19:13:01 GMT
Swindon fan goes in the job centre and says "i want a job" "its your lucky day" says the assistant,"a billionaire is looking for someone to work on his super yacht,a grand a week,free food,free booze and you even get to shag the galley maids" "your joking ?" says the scummer, "well you started it" says the assistant.
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Post by saddletramp on Sept 5, 2016 19:41:39 GMT
Not a joke but a funny true story. Ken Church an old bloke i know told me this,he was doing his National Service in Malaya,it was a scary place to do your NS,jungle fighting and a chance of getting killed. Anyway he was home on leave and had a game for Stanford in the Vale,he ended up getting sent off. 2 months later he is in the jungle and things are very scary,in a break in the fighting there was a mail delivery,Ken gets a typed letter,he had no idea who it was from. It was from the North Berks league "Dear Mr Church,after your sending off for Stanford in the Vale,the North Berks league has fined you 2 Shillings and Sixpence and banned you for 1 match,we also would like to stress upon you that any future misconduct by yourself will be frowned upon and could result in a larger fine " He said he hadnt had a letter from home for weeks,but somehow the North Berks league had managed to track him down !
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Post by Maurice Earp on Sept 12, 2016 10:03:53 GMT
Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.
Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin, with my soon to be ex-husband discussing our property settlement, Kids and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 5 metre. Crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.
The Croc must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little $5. Dollar Reject shop walking stick with me, I would not be here today!
Just one Hard Wack to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....The' Croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible and I got the lot.
p.s.:- I luv that Croc
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Post by malcolmnl on Sept 13, 2016 18:43:41 GMT
In 1713, a book was published called The Symptoms, Nature, Cause, and Cure of a Gonorrhoea.
It was written by William Cockburn.
Source: QI Elves.
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Post by cass63 on Sept 14, 2016 16:01:40 GMT
Flight azx145 leaves America headed for Heathrow, One hour into the flight the captain speaks over the tannoy Don't be alarmed he says but the outer engine on the starboard wing has broken down,this is not a problem as this plane can fly perfectly well on the 3 remaining engines but due to reduced speed we will be an hour late landing An hour later the captain again comes over the tannoy Don't be alarmed he says but the outboard engine on the port side has broken down,again it's no problem as the plane can fly perfectly well on 2 engines but it does mean we will now be 2 hours late landing An hour later the captain again comes over the tannoy Don't be alarmed he says but the inboard engine on the starboard side has broken down but done worry this plane can fly perfectly well on 1 engine,but it does mean we will be 3 hours late landing, at which point an Irishman at the back of the plane says I hope the last engine doesn't pack up or we'll be up here all fuckin night.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Sept 19, 2016 13:41:55 GMT
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!”
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Post by saddletramp on Sept 19, 2016 18:26:39 GMT
A man goes on a sniffer dog training course. They go on a plane,the dog raises it head and nods to the left, "what does that mean ?" asks the trainee, "the man on the left has cocaine" The dog continues up the plane,stop and nods to the right, "what does that mean asks the trainee ?" "the man on the right has Heroin" The dog goes up the plane,sniffs and run straight off the plane,across the runway and down the road. "and ?" asks the trainee, BOMB !!!
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Post by Maurice Earp on Sept 23, 2016 16:51:40 GMT
Granddad and the Taxman. The HMRC decides to audit Grandad and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his solicitor. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the HMRC finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and answers, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants but, although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandad's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Sept 24, 2016 8:28:44 GMT
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band. I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Sept 25, 2016 8:22:02 GMT
Older woman on a cruise Amazing how your values change as you age!
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Sept 26, 2016 14:37:58 GMT
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............
She never got your email!"
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Post by oxymoron on Sept 26, 2016 19:31:49 GMT
My wife suggested we have a camping holiday, so I thought I'd check out the travel insurance.
Just as well I did because I found that if our tent gets stolen, we won't be covered.
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Oct 11, 2016 20:40:16 GMT
Come in from the cold and warm yourself in front of my roaring Samsung..
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Post by KLYellow on Oct 11, 2016 22:42:53 GMT
Come in from the cold and warm yourself in front of my roaring Samsung.. Well it is the hottest new phone out there. But it is bloody expensive, it will burn a hole in your pocket. Sent from my XIAOMI NOTE PRO using telepathy
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Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 14, 2016 8:00:45 GMT
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted. "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!" His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible." Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?" Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!" Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!" Ted said. "Hmmm, I forget."
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