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Post by foghornleghorn on Feb 22, 2012 12:20:35 GMT
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........". This joke repeat brought to you by 'Dave'... ;D « Reply #176 Yesterday at 7:25am » Ooops, didnt notice it. Joke thievery is a heinous crime.
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Post by oxymoron on Feb 22, 2012 20:08:49 GMT
Police were called to Southampton Football Club after reports were received of a man on the roof of the main stand threatening to jump off. A negotiator was hoisted aloft and began the task of trying to talk him down.
The distraught man shouted “Stay back, I’ll do it, I’m at rock bottom. After the FA Cup win I thought we had changed it around, I thought things were going to be better, but just when it looked like we had climbed back, it all collapsed. Going back into administration was the final straw. I’m devastated. I can’t take anymore. I’ve supported Portsmouth all my life but the owners, the manager and the players have let me down big time. The club is finished and I can’t live without it. My only wish is that my death is used to demonstrate to those in charge just what loyalty and devotion to Portsmouth FC means”
The negotiator was taken aback, he smiled nervously, looking for an angle “I see” he said, “but tell me as a Portsmouth fan, why have you come to Southampton; surely your gesture would be more poignant if it were to be made at your home ground?”
The jumper replied “Have you seen the queue to get on the roof at Fratton Park”......
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 23, 2012 18:22:23 GMT
Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.
The hunters strongly objected saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Yanush and Stashek survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Yanush asked Stashek, "'Any idea where we are?"
Stashek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"
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Post by Robin Shater on Mar 1, 2012 8:40:03 GMT
EX President Bush and EX VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs?
Why kill a blonde with big boobs?' Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.
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Post by chuckbert on Mar 2, 2012 15:31:13 GMT
I got them moobs like Jagger.
Not a joke exactly, but made me laugh.
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Post by cheekoh on Mar 16, 2012 14:29:50 GMT
Manchester United's Europa league loss to Athletico Bilbao reminds me of a night out I had when I got diarrhoea. Shit over both legs. :-)
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Post by cheekoh on Mar 16, 2012 16:12:44 GMT
When I heard channel five were going to get Manchester United, I didn't think it would mean that they would lose Home and Away.
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Post by oufcadam on Mar 16, 2012 20:33:41 GMT
This may be a bit old but here it is: I'd 8-2 be an Arsenal fan
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Post by sihath on Mar 16, 2012 20:40:59 GMT
This may be a bit old but here it is: I'd 8-2 be an Arsenal fan Last August called.... it wants its joke back.....
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Post by oufcadam on Mar 16, 2012 20:54:47 GMT
ok sihath heres another one
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Post by sihath on Mar 16, 2012 20:58:03 GMT
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Post by oufcadam on Mar 16, 2012 20:58:43 GMT
And heres another one (a bit dirty though) A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Post by tingersoufc on Mar 18, 2012 21:01:03 GMT
Police are investigating the throwing of a coin at Ibrox today in the SPL match.
The Club Officials are trying to determine whether it was hooliganism or an unofficial takeover bid.
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Post by malcolmnl on Mar 19, 2012 21:30:58 GMT
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Post by oxymoron on Mar 21, 2012 20:25:38 GMT
I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord.
Done brillint job......
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2012 18:31:22 GMT
Fabrice Muamba was visited by Wayne Rooney in hospital "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 28, 2012 19:52:41 GMT
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger..' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 6, 2012 12:09:00 GMT
DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '
'No', said David - 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not', explained David - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss''.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand ... In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr.Clegg wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed David. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss ..... and it probably widnae be a f***ing accident either!
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Post by oxymoron on Apr 6, 2012 13:06:36 GMT
and for completeness can I add that the teacher then said "Spot on Johnny boy, it has tae be a tragedy, cuz it widna be a great loss and ye can be damn sure it widna be an accident either......"
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Post by Boogaloo on Apr 7, 2012 18:20:43 GMT
Did you know that Danny Welbeck's father was a bomb disposal expert in the army? His name was Stan Welbeck.
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Post by rollsy on Apr 11, 2012 20:30:49 GMT
So Celtic have won the SPL. Big f*cking deal. Thats like beating Stevie Wonder at I-Spy!!
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Post by oxyellow on Apr 11, 2012 20:41:47 GMT
Blind man walks into a clothes shop and stands in the middle of it swinging his guide dog above his head...
The two retail assistants ask "You alright mate need any help?"
The blind man then says... "Its alright lads just looking around!"
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Post by toucan on Apr 11, 2012 21:03:14 GMT
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Post by malcolmnl on Apr 13, 2012 13:22:28 GMT
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 18, 2012 16:46:02 GMT
The following are all replies that Swindon women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out 10. It takes 1st prize and 3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, I am sure Makeeshia was fathered by my brother, I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virgin. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...
7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom
9. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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Post by behindthegoal on Apr 21, 2012 14:01:46 GMT
Saw an advert for an*l bleaching..choose ringtone
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 21, 2012 16:37:46 GMT
An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out when a young jogger came by and asked him what was the matter.
"I'm a multimillionare," the old man said. "I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world."
"But what's wrong?" asked the jogger again.
"I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell," the old man continued.
The young jogger said, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed of. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"
"I can't remember where I live."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 21, 2012 16:44:29 GMT
Man from Swindon goes into a chemist, "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Drover: "Nah. My sister ain't that ugly."
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Post by yellowbroski on Apr 21, 2012 17:09:49 GMT
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can't peanut butter my dick up your arse.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2012 14:02:32 GMT
They say one in every ten men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.
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