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Post by rollsy on Jan 18, 2012 20:09:08 GMT
Gutted, I lost a pub quiz by 1 point last night. The question was, 'Where do women most commonly have curly hair?'
Apparently, it's Africa.
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Post by rollsy on Jan 18, 2012 20:10:39 GMT
Failed a health and safety test today. 'What steps should you take incase a fire breaks out?' Apparently, f*cking large ones, was not the correct answer.
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Post by rollsy on Jan 18, 2012 20:15:25 GMT
Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria. On the first day of training Kenny Dalglish picks up a ball and says, "Ball" Then he does a kicking motion and says "kick".Then he points to the goal and says "goal. Understand? KICK, BALL, GOAL.... GOOOAAAL!!" And the Nigerian says "Excuse me Mr Dalglish, but i can speak perfectly good English' Dalglish says, "Sit down son, I'm talking to Andy Carroll"
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Post by rollsy on Jan 18, 2012 20:17:48 GMT
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship and the news presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the missus and now it's all kicked off!!
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Post by rollsy on Jan 18, 2012 20:18:54 GMT
I shagged a Chinease women in a lift last night. It was f*cking Wong on so many levels
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Post by rollsy on Jan 18, 2012 20:25:09 GMT
WALLET SCAM WARNING!! Whilst packing shopping into the car, you maybe approached by 2 fit 18 yr old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payement. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet!!
I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, twice on Sunday and once again today! So be careful!
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Post by oxymoron on Jan 18, 2012 23:59:10 GMT
Gentleman with premature ejaculation problem wishes to meet fem........never mind
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Post by saddletramp on Jan 21, 2012 8:26:16 GMT
Divers on the stricken cruise ship found two scousers in the bar,they were told "f*ck off we're all inclusive"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jan 21, 2012 11:48:38 GMT
The French. 'France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.' Mark Twain ------------------------------ 'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.' General George S. Patton ------------------------------ 'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.' Norman Schwartzkopf ------------------------------ 'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.' Marge Simpson ------------------------------ 'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.' Jacques Chirac, President of France ------------------------------ 'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.' Regis Philbin ------------------------------ 'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.' John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona ------------------------------ 'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.' David Letterman ------------------------------ 'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in England .' Unknown ------------------------------ 'War without France would be like...Well...World War II.' Unknown ------------------------------ 'The favourite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.' Tom Brokaw ------------------------------ 'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will and passion fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?' Dennis Miller ------------------------------ 'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.' Alan Kent ----------------------------- 'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qaida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.' Argus Hamilton ------------------------------ 'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'' Rep. Roy Blunt, MO ----------------------------- 'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq .' Dennis Miller ------------------------------ Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur? ----------------------------- 'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.' Rep. R. Blount, MO ------------------------------ 'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.' John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv ------------------------------ French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris , March 5, 2011 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
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Post by collyox (banned) on Jan 25, 2012 23:37:54 GMT
Theres a new lottery that if you win you get to go on a cruise........apparently last weeks was a rollover
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jan 26, 2012 12:19:15 GMT
Did you hear about the £3,000,000.00 Swindump Lottery? The winner gets £3.00 a year for a million years.
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Post by blackforestgateau on Jan 29, 2012 10:18:56 GMT
I got caught nicking a joint of beef from Sainsbury's the other day.
As I was leaving the shop the security guard placed a hand on my shoulder and said "And what are you doing with that?"
"Carrots, gravy and roast potatoes" I replied.
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Post by salaghaf on Jan 31, 2012 22:34:30 GMT
Swimming is really good for your health.
Especially when you're drowning.
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Post by oxymoron on Feb 1, 2012 0:15:01 GMT
Someone broke into our house - it was really strange. They didn't take anything, but left a lump of plasticine on the dining room table.
I really don't know what to make of it......
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 1, 2012 15:15:02 GMT
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. Police believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Post by androidyellow2 on Feb 1, 2012 22:51:33 GMT
Liverpool signed a korean player last night hes called nickamota.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 3, 2012 7:17:57 GMT
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland ."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 7, 2012 9:51:12 GMT
An man from Oxford was walking down a country road near Swindon in Wiltshire, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Oxfordian is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!" The Swindonian looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"
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Post by winchesterox on Feb 9, 2012 12:43:53 GMT
Conjuntivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes!
Thank you Mr Tim Vine, you are a legend.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2012 13:26:20 GMT
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the Traffic Wardens funeral a voice came from inside screaming "I am not dead. Let me out" To which the smiling vicar said. "Too late pal, the paperwork's already completed"
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2012 18:32:59 GMT
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.. 4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant 5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Feb 13, 2012 20:50:54 GMT
Didn't enjoy that Tolstoy play last night.
Sat there for 2 hours waiting for Buzz Lightyear to turn up....
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 15, 2012 21:46:22 GMT
An young Blonde Swinedump girl called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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Post by cheekoh on Feb 16, 2012 15:19:37 GMT
Two Packets of crisps were walking up the road, when a man. Pulled up in a car and said "hey there would you like a lift?" to which the crisps replied:
No were walkers
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Post by fourthstand on Feb 16, 2012 15:27:32 GMT
Police raided Kermit's lily pad last night and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn they'd ever seen!
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Post by oxymoron on Feb 16, 2012 21:04:57 GMT
The build up to their "cup final" officially begins tomorrow when the Swindon Town squad release a commemorative single. It's a version of an old Chris DeBurgh classic
The Lady Inbred........
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 21, 2012 7:25:58 GMT
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. ... While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".
The authorities think she may have been pushed.
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Post by saddletramp on Feb 21, 2012 9:32:13 GMT
The upcoming Arsenal v Milan tie is being named the Heather Mills game, the 2nd legs just for show!
A pound coin was thrown on the pitch at Ibrox on saturday,police are trying to work out if it was a missile,or a takeover bid !
To all the fat birds who didnt get a valentines card last week,dont worry todays pancake day !!
Aly McCoist is considering leaving Rangers for a better paid job with Sky, a spokesman for Aly said "he is considering the offer,although he has never put up a satellite dish in his life"
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Post by manorman on Feb 21, 2012 11:05:32 GMT
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
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Post by SteMerritt on Feb 22, 2012 12:03:11 GMT
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........". This joke repeat brought to you by 'Dave'... ;D « Reply #176 Yesterday at 7:25am »
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