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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2012 14:03:40 GMT
I was at the Doctor's getting my balls checked for lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2012 17:20:24 GMT
I was in a pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said “Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?” One of them chirped “It’s WALES you friggin' idiot!” So I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?” Then the lights went out!
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Post by Oxo on May 4, 2012 11:57:13 GMT
Did you hear the one about the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac?
He Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!
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Post by londonroader on May 4, 2012 18:55:58 GMT
What's yellow and blue and has a tight c*nt attached to it.
A Lidl bag. ;D
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Post by Oxo on May 4, 2012 19:16:31 GMT
Bert and Harry are sat in the pub, and the conversation goes like this.......
'Hey Bert, you know I took the shortcut home from the pub last night'
'yeh'
'Well I met this girl on the railway embankment'
'You're joking!'
'Honestly! ...and she was absolutely gorgeous!'
'So what happened?'
'First of all we made love right there on the embankment. Then we did it again round the back of Tesco's. After that I took her back to my flat and we did it all night long'
'You lucky bastard!!!. ... Did you get a blowjob?'
'No' said Harry ' I couldn't find her head.'
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2012 19:43:22 GMT
Manchester City have announced that Joe Hart will be available against Newcastle after being rested against Manchester U
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2012 19:44:12 GMT
Tesco have just announced that 20000 jobs are being created in the UK. Poland's PM has welcomed the news
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 6, 2012 18:23:19 GMT
A Swindon true life story. A frustrated young girlr buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her brother. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her brother finally asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2012 22:09:25 GMT
What do you do if you see a scummer with a bullet wound dying in the street?
Stop laughing, reload and shoot again!
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Post by oxymoron on May 6, 2012 22:49:48 GMT
I've just been banned by the British Lego Modelling Association for obscenity.
I knew I shouldn't have made myself a member......
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Post by oxymoron on May 8, 2012 23:19:50 GMT
Watched the Liverpool game tonight on my new 3D TV.
Fucking realistic, I can tell you; just like being there.
I went to sleep during the second half and when I woke up, my wallet was gone.....
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Post by saddletramp on May 9, 2012 9:08:04 GMT
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidently shoots his wife,he dials 999 "its my wife ,ive accidently shot her,ive killed her" operator "Please calm down sir,can you first make sure that she is dead?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Paddy "OK ive done that,what next?"
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 9, 2012 16:23:40 GMT
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
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Post by oxymoron on May 10, 2012 20:13:07 GMT
Apparently Vidal Sassoon wanted to be cremated.
Coming soon Vidal Sassoon's new range - Dead and Smoulders.......
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 23:24:35 GMT
An old woman goes to the dentist. When he's finished changing his rubber gloves, he turns round to find she's hitched up her skirt and pulled down her knickers. "Excuse me madam, but I'm a dentist, not a gynaecologist" he says. "i know" she replies, "but my husband needs you to get him his false teeth back!"
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 23:29:33 GMT
Paddy applies for a job at the blacksmiths. First question is "so, have you ever shoed a horse before?"
No, he replies, but I once told a donkey to f@@@ off from me mam's get patch!
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Post by ox44xp on May 17, 2012 9:22:48 GMT
Following his dismisal from liverpool, Kenny Dalgleish called a press conference today to announce that he would be taking up a new position with Sky Broadcasting.
"I'm quite looking forward to it" he said "it's not something I've really done before, but I'm confident I can make a success of it. I've already had a couple of enquiries about dish installations for next week".
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Post by Maurice Earp on May 17, 2012 19:01:59 GMT
Liveroool have appointed Ken Dodd as their new manager.
There's no need to change the initials on the managers coat & there will be less p*ss taking by opposition fans.
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Post by ox44xp on May 21, 2012 12:30:26 GMT
The German Chancellor flys out to Greece to get a personal briefing on the current crisis.
On arrival at Athens airport, she is escorted to immigration
"Good morning", says the immigration officer. "Name?" "Angela Merkel". "Occupation?" "No, just visiting."
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Post by Surreal Madrid on May 21, 2012 13:00:42 GMT
The BBC have now decided against live coverage of the funeral of Vidal Sassoon.
They will now just show the highlights....
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Post by cheekoh on May 31, 2012 15:42:32 GMT
What have Arsenal and a three pin plug got in common?
They are both absolutely useless in Europe
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Post by oxymoron on Jun 4, 2012 20:52:14 GMT
Premier League footballer Joey Barton has been punched in the face outside a Liverpool nightclub.
Merseyside police have acted quickly and identified over 100,000 people as suspects.......
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Post by oxfordboy on Jun 8, 2012 23:22:34 GMT
'England players subjected to racial abuse at training session'
John Terry has been warned that if it happens again he will be sent home
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 9, 2012 18:29:56 GMT
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one month anniversary of their first dinner together on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2012 15:28:20 GMT
For the ninth day in a row a door to door salesman has been trying to get me to sign a credit agreement. I just wish he would leave me a loan
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2012 15:30:19 GMT
I swerved to avoid some small nails in the road I couldn't believe it when the police arrested me for tacks evasion
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Post by ounykee14 on Jun 19, 2012 18:08:03 GMT
Did you know Danny Welbeck's dad works in bomb defusion? His name is Stan.
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Post by jammydodger on Jun 19, 2012 18:11:20 GMT
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "f*ck off, you won't bring it back."
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Post by cheekoh on Jun 19, 2012 18:48:11 GMT
Liverpool set to bid £20million for free agent Owen Hargreaves.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 22, 2012 17:57:42 GMT
The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the Glasgow's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?"
Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
And then the lawyer said, "So Jimmy, if I don't give any f'king cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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