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Post by saddletramp on Mar 9, 2016 7:37:33 GMT
I've just got a job in a circumcision clinic,its self employed, £100 an op plus tips.
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Post by ox44xp on Mar 9, 2016 13:33:43 GMT
Sadly, a chap at work died today when a pallet of chocolate bars fell on him.
He would have been OK if he could have gotten some help, but every time he called out “The Milky Bars are on me” we all cheered
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Post by oldham on Mar 9, 2016 14:53:04 GMT
My new German girlfriend is great! She gives me marks out of ten for an*l sex, every time I go up there she shouts "nein nein"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 9, 2016 15:19:03 GMT
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm [Brut], people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
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Post by malcolmnl on Mar 9, 2016 15:31:16 GMT
Yoy're getting old Maurice. That's the second time in a week you've posting that.
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Post by bazzer9461 on Mar 10, 2016 12:54:30 GMT
Yoy're getting old Maurice. That's the second time in a week you've posting that. But it is quite funny
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 10, 2016 21:19:05 GMT
Yoy're getting old Maurice. That's the second time in a week you've posting that. Where???
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Post by oxymoron on Mar 10, 2016 23:49:26 GMT
Why is it that the Weight Watchers website requires cookies...........
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Post by oldham on Mar 11, 2016 6:42:20 GMT
Little Swindon goes up to his dad... "Dad it's my birthday today and I'm 10" Dad-"that's good son, go in the next room and tell yer Uncle scummer" LS-"hi Unc its my birthday today, bet you can't guess how old I am?" With that Uncle Scummer puts his hand down the lads trousers, has a jostle and a feel for a few minutes then says "you're 10" LS-"cor that's brilliant Unc, did you know that from messing about with me?" US-" no I heard you telling your dad!"
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Post by malcolmnl on Mar 11, 2016 18:47:50 GMT
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: >
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Post by bazzer9461 on Mar 11, 2016 19:50:43 GMT
A bloke sat in a pub when a gorgeous woman sat next to him,
The bloke said "Hello " The woman replied I'm a lesbian, With that she ordered her drink, The bloke turns to her and starts to have a general conversation when he asks what Lesbians do.
She starts by saying " same as men with women but without the obvious, We start by gently kissing one another with each of us exploring the inner mouth with our tongues, Then we start to gently caress the neck with our tongues rolling around the side of the neck, Whilst we are ding this we are undoing the buttons on our blouses and feeling around the bosom an unclasping the bra then gently lower our head and start to kiss and caress the bosom gently nibbling the nipple, Whilst this is going on we undo the buttons on the skirt and undo the zip and let the skirt fall down and then start to low".........With that the bloke interrupts and says " fcuk me" "what " replies the woman "I think i'm a lesbian" says the bloke
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Post by bazzer9461 on Mar 11, 2016 20:01:05 GMT
An oldy but a goody
A teacher teaching a class full of 10 year old children ask's " has anybody got a story they can tell me about the war " Johnny puts his hand up and the teacher says "yes Johnny" "Sir my granddad was a pilot in the war and he flew the Spitfire and he would tell me how over the English Channel he would fight the Fockers, He would follow the Focker up into the sky and shoot at the Focker hoping that the Focker was hit", At this point the teacher interrupted and said "class Johnny is on about the great German aircraft the Focker Wolfe" "no sir" said Johnny "It was the Fockers in the Meschersmitt"
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Post by oldham on Mar 16, 2016 12:54:07 GMT
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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Post by newyorkyellow on Mar 19, 2016 1:54:54 GMT
My life was spiralling out of control and it was all because of my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've finally managed to turn myself around.......... And that's what it's all about.
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Post by Paul Cannell on Mar 19, 2016 10:05:10 GMT
Hey!
My son's been going out with a new gf for a few weeks now. He told me that on their 3rd date she said "Kiss me where it smells". So he took her to Wycombe.
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Post by Paul Cannell on Mar 19, 2016 10:05:48 GMT
What do lasses from Swindon put behind their ears to attract boys? Their ankles.
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Post by oxymoron on Mar 24, 2016 20:12:35 GMT
Just opened a box of the counterfeit Mr Kipling that I bought earlier.
OK they weren't genuine but they were exceedingly good fakes..........
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 27, 2016 10:10:37 GMT
An old one A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they had become too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
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Post by mojofilter on Mar 27, 2016 10:51:06 GMT
Easter special:
So I'm speaking to Jesus Christ the other day and he tells me he has a hot date that night. 'Do you think i'll get lucky?' He asks 'Are you kidding? She'll f*ck anything that isn't nailed down'
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 27, 2016 20:29:48 GMT
David Cameron goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.'
The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want David shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly'.
The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 30, 2016 20:10:51 GMT
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he'll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he'll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won't.”
Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, “You're on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob. “Fair's fair. Here's your money!”
Bob replied, “I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!”
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Post by oxymoron on Mar 30, 2016 21:33:03 GMT
An open letter to all would-be Jihadists:
"It has now been three months since Lemmy passed away.
There are no longer any virgins in heaven.........."
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Post by saddletramp on Apr 1, 2016 5:46:29 GMT
Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mixup she said. Although 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.
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Post by saddletramp on Apr 2, 2016 10:31:48 GMT
I saw 4 coffin bearers in the cemetery carrying a coffin. I saw them again an hour later with the same coffin. I thought "those four have lost the plot"
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Post by saddletramp on Apr 2, 2016 10:43:32 GMT
A Ronnie Corbett one. A bloke's been marooned on a desert island for 5 years,one day a gorgeous woman in a wet suit walks up the beach. She says "how long is it since you smoked a Havana cigar ? " "5 years" he replies, she pulls the zip of her wet suit down and produces a cigar,puts it in his mouth and lights it, "how long since you had a nice malt whisky" again he replies "5 years" she pulls down the zip even further,produces a bottle of Glenfiddich and a glass,pours a drink and gives it to the man, she then pulls the zip all the way to the bottom and says "and when was the last time you played around?" "f*ck me" he says "you haven't got a set of golf clubs down there as well have you ?"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 12, 2016 18:55:38 GMT
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted Cart. "John, she said, (loose breasts undulating beneath her white terry robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on, now " Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't like it." After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
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Post by saddletramp on Apr 12, 2016 20:15:40 GMT
David Cameron goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.' The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Jeremy shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly'. The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.' Who's Jeremy ?
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Apr 12, 2016 20:23:59 GMT
I told my wife I could tell the future by looking at herbs. 'Are you sure?' she said. 'Only thyme will tell' I replied.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 12, 2016 20:25:18 GMT
David Cameron goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.' The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Jeremy shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help the homeless or help the elderly'. The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.' Who's Jeremy ? No idea, I cut and paste the joke
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 19, 2016 14:58:54 GMT
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a Ruger 9mm with a ten shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo."
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