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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2011 13:04:36 GMT
Teenager asks his gran have you seen my tablets marked LSD? Gran says f... your tablets, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2011 13:06:15 GMT
Got pulled over by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car..."You're staggering said the female officer "You're not a bad looking fuc--- yourself" I said
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2011 13:08:36 GMT
Was reading an article on heavy drinking. It scared the crap out of me...so that's it. After tonight no more reading
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Post by cheekoh on Dec 21, 2011 13:40:19 GMT
A guy applies for a council job. The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" Yes" he says "I was in Bosnia, Iraq and Afghanistan" The interviewer says "That will give you extra points towards employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM" The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that..."
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Post by cheekoh on Dec 21, 2011 13:42:17 GMT
Yesterday, I caught my girlfriend trying to chat up Usain Bolt... I guess she was trying to pull a fast one.
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Post by Southampton Ox on Dec 22, 2011 7:32:12 GMT
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"
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Post by manorboy on Dec 22, 2011 23:24:14 GMT
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Post by kenoxf on Dec 25, 2011 13:52:33 GMT
A different slant on a very old joke. __________________________________________________
An English bloke is sat next to an Irish bloke on a plane coming into Shannon airport in Ireland.
English bloke notices that one of the four egines is on fire and tells the stewardess, she tells the pilot and he announces that there is no problem cos DC10 can run on 3 engines and they will simply be about 30 minutes late coming into Shannon.
Ten minutes later and the English bloke notices another engine on fire and again tells the stewardess who tells the pilot and he announces "No problem, DC10 can easily fly on two engines but they will probably be about an hour late into Shannon."
Finally, the English bloke notices a third engine on fire, tells the stewardess who tells the pilot and he says "No need to worry everyone, the DC10 can easily fly on one engine but the plane will be a bit lop sided and we'll be about 2 hours late landing at Shannon airport."
At this point the English bloke says, in a posh English accent, to the Irish bloke next to him
"Gosh, I hope the last engine doesn't go or we'll be up here all night". _________________________________________________
The interesting thing is that the joke usually sounds better to most people when the bloke who notices the engines on fire is Irish.
But I agree it is a lousy joke either way.
I often switch a joke which involves the Irish or a non-English nationality, so as to make the but of the joke an English person.
And then watch the English person's reaction. Silence.. Then again, my jokes, Irish or English, aren't the best so this could be the reason.
That's what I find funny, not the joke. Try it but with a better joke maybe. Sorry to digress. But there are two jokes in one here, so maybe I'm safe from the moderator.
Why are there lots of Irish jokes,Scottish jokes, Welsh jokes but no jokes where the but of the joke is English and the nationality seems to matter.
I I ponder this.
Funny, funny...as Dud used to say. Ken
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Post by collyox (banned) on Dec 25, 2011 18:57:26 GMT
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Post by kenoxf on Dec 25, 2011 19:18:50 GMT
Collyox - the first one of yours I've liked. Ken
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Post by KLYellow on Dec 26, 2011 1:23:00 GMT
A different slant on a very old joke. __________________________________________________ An English bloke is sat next to an Irish bloke on a plane coming into Shannon airport in Ireland. English bloke notices that one of the four egines is on fire and tells the stewardess, she tells the pilot and he announces that there is no problem cos DC10 can run on 3 engines and they will simply be about 30 minutes late coming into Shannon. Ten minutes later and the English bloke notices another engine on fire and again tells the stewardess who tells the pilot and he announces "No problem, DC10 can easily fly on two engines but they will probably be about an hour late into Shannon." Finally, the English bloke notices a third engine on fire, tells the stewardess who tells the pilot and he says "No need to worry everyone, the DC10 can easily fly on one engine but the plane will be a bit lop sided and we'll be about 2 hours late landing at Shannon airport." At this point the English bloke says, in a posh English accent, to the Irish bloke next to him "Gosh, I hope the last engine doesn't go or we'll be up here all night". _________________________________________________ The interesting thing is that the joke usually sounds better to most people when the bloke who notices the engines on fire is Irish. But I agree it is a lousy joke either way. I often switch a joke which involves the Irish or a non-English nationality, so as to make the but of the joke an English person. And then watch the English person's reaction. Silence.. Then again, my jokes, Irish or English, aren't the best so this could be the reason. That's what I find funny, not the joke. Try it but with a better joke maybe. Sorry to digress. But there are two jokes in one here, so maybe I'm safe from the moderator. Why are there lots of Irish jokes,Scottish jokes, Welsh jokes but no jokes where the but of the joke is English and the nationality seems to matter. I I ponder this. Funny, funny...as Dud used to say. Ken Ken, a DC10 only has 3 engines anyhow!
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Post by kenoxf on Dec 26, 2011 21:41:18 GMT
hk. Clever dick. Trust you to pick up on the technicalities. This was an Irish DC10. So you see ....
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Post by oxontop on Dec 27, 2011 17:19:03 GMT
Enjoy -
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Post by manorboy on Jan 4, 2012 23:09:54 GMT
If you saw the Richmond Park original then this sequel is to be enjoyed:
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Post by cheekoh on Jan 6, 2012 10:44:11 GMT
I met Sean Connery in a bar earlier, he said he had a question he moustache me, but he was shaving it for later.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jan 6, 2012 19:03:11 GMT
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jan 8, 2012 19:34:45 GMT
During the days of King Arthur, the young men had to join the military and fight in the crusades. One such young man had just gotten married and was forced to leave before "knowing" her. She was still wearing the chastity belt and he had the only key. He was so concerned about her that on his way out to the crusades he met with his best friend who was staying behind. He told his friend, "Keep this key, and if I am killed, you have my permission to use it." "Promise me that you will be an honorable friend and take care of her, and that you will not use it until you have confirmed my death. The two men made a pact, and the young man rode off to join the distant battle. About two hours later, as he was traveling to join the battle, the young man noticed a rider approaching at a full gallop, with a cloud of dust behind him. It was not long before he recognized the rider. It was his best friend. As his friend approached he was waving frantically, with the key in his hand shouting at the top of his voice, "You gave me the wrong key!"
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Post by behindthegoal on Jan 9, 2012 19:44:50 GMT
Bloke goes into the docs Bloke says, "I think I'm a teepee 'I think I'm a wigwam....I think I'm a teepee 'I think I'm a wigwam."
Doc says..."I think you're two tents"
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Post by Pogue Mahone on Jan 10, 2012 9:18:53 GMT
It's like a footballing time machine. United bring back Scholes, Arsenal bring back Henry and Liverpool bring back racism.
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Post by sihath on Jan 11, 2012 8:33:37 GMT
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrell-Thompson's coat.
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Post by KLYellow on Jan 11, 2012 8:50:47 GMT
Saw this on Twitter
"F.A.Clamp down on Liverpool's Antics : Any Liverpool player seen to be passing the ball to Andy Carroll will be booked for wasting time!!!"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2012 9:31:18 GMT
Bob Holness reaches the pearly gates and comes across Amy Winehouse who greets him 'Can I have an e please Bob'
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2012 9:35:19 GMT
The wife gave me £50 and told me to buy something that makes her look sexy. You should have seem her face when I came back p*ssed
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2012 9:40:06 GMT
A young lad called Francis goes to confession and tells the priest he couldn't control his sexual emotions towards his sister Noreen. The priest angrily retorts 'That's a disgrace, Francis, especially when you have two gorgeous young brothers'
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Post by Maurice Earp on Jan 11, 2012 21:30:18 GMT
Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony (Worrall-Thompson), you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag? "Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over"...
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Post by sihath on Jan 12, 2012 11:12:23 GMT
Louis Suares has issued a statement:
"I have decided to apologise to Evra and have asked him to my house for a cup of tea.
It's PG Tips. They love PG Tips apparently"
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Post by oxymoron on Jan 12, 2012 19:02:45 GMT
At least all now know why all of AWT's recipes contain a pinch of cheese..........
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2012 15:50:51 GMT
They all have a pinch of something
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2012 18:32:39 GMT
A friend of mine was talking about his wife having everything including four animals She has a mink in the closet A jaguar in the garage A tiger in the bedroom And a ass to take care of everything else
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Post by tatabanya on Jan 17, 2012 11:03:22 GMT
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