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Post by yelloexile on Nov 26, 2011 8:44:15 GMT
One of the lads from work was on a train yesterday. An absolutely stunning Thai bird came and sat on the seat opposite him with a ludicrously short skirt on.
All he kept thinking to himself was “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”…………………………..
But she did
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Post by manorboy on Nov 26, 2011 23:57:47 GMT
A man goes into a bar in the wild west. He's the only one there. He admires the shiny grand piano in the corner and says it looks great. He says the piano is a fantastic instrument. The barman agrees and reaches under the bar and brings out a beautiful miniature piano thats perfect in every detail. Thats exquisite says the customer. Yeah thats not all says the barman - you can play it - he touches the tiny keys to prove his point. Thats amazing! Says the customer - shame its too small to play properly. The barman with a glint in his eye reaches down and pulls out a little man less than a foot tall and a little stool and the little man begins to tinkle away merrily on the keyboard. The customer cannot believe his eyes or his ears. His non plussed look conveys to the barman an unspoken question - how is this possible??!! The barman smiles and reaches down again and pulls out a brass oil lamp. The customer smiles and says your kidding me a genie?! The bar says rub it and see. Out pops a genie who says to the customer 'master you have but one wish'. The customer stares at the barman and the barman nods - the customer cannot believe his luck and says thats easy! I'll have a million bucks! The genie disappears in a puff of smoke and after only ten or so seconds hundreds of ducks waddle into the bar under the swing doors quacking away. Shouting above the din he says to the barman in distress ' I ASKED FOR A MILLION BUCKS NOT A MILLION DUCKS' YEAH shouts the barman I THINK THIS GENIE IS A BIT DEAF .......D'YOU THINK I ASKED FOR A TEN INCH PIANIST?
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Post by peterleven on Nov 27, 2011 11:28:54 GMT
I was playing 3D tetris today!
Or as the foreman calls it "Just build the f*cking wall!"
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Post by scummerator on Dec 3, 2011 21:10:45 GMT
The three kings were stooping to enter the stable to deliver their gifts, when the tallest of the three cracked his head on the low, but very solid wooden lintel over the door.
"JESUS CHRIST" he exclaimed
"That's a good idea" said Mary, "Joseph wanted to call him Dominic"!
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Post by kenoxf on Dec 3, 2011 22:12:52 GMT
So far: Junior1 by a nose. __________________________________________________ This man goes in to see the doctor.
The doctor: Well, Mr. O'Reilly, how can I help you?
O'Reilly: Well doctor, I have a bit of discomfort at the rear end, if you know what I mean
Doctor: Of course Mr. O'Reilly. Go behind the screen and take down your trousers and pants and bend over.
O'Reilly goes behind screen, takes his trousers and pants down and bends over. Doctor enters and looks closely at O'Reilly's arse.
Doctor: Good Grief Mr. O'Reilly, you have a £20 note sticking out of your bottom.
O'Reilly: Well, take it out man, take it out.
The Doctor takes the £20 note out and then says: My God Mr. O'Reilly, you now have a £10 note sticking out of your bottom!"
O'Reilly: Well, take it out, take it out.
The Doctor keeps taking out notes of money from O'Reilly's arse for about 10 minutes. 20s, 10s, 5s.
O'Reilly, finally: Well doctor, is that the lot?
Doctor: Yes, thank God!
O'Reilly: And just how much did you take out doctor if you don't mind me asking?
Doctor: Exactly £1,995.00
O'Reilly: Ah well, that would explain it Doctor. I knew I wasn't feeling too grand. _________________________________________________
Well what do you expect from Ken?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2011 16:42:03 GMT
100 Scousers were asked if Britain should change their currency 99 voted for keeping the giro
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Post by oxymoron on Dec 4, 2011 21:25:04 GMT
Every football club has a certain craze:
Man City do the poznan, Everton throw sweets to the crowd
and Swindon fans dress as plastic seats......
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 6, 2011 21:15:32 GMT
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches’, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Bradford, England, and still wearing all this sh!t?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2011 21:18:37 GMT
My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"
I immediately popped the question.
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Post by londonroader on Dec 8, 2011 21:52:55 GMT
Cleared the loft out Today and found an Xmas present from last year that I forgot to give to the kids.
Bit gutted really as they would have loved a kitten.
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Post by londonroader on Dec 8, 2011 21:56:35 GMT
Just adopted a black kid. I've called him google, might as well the poor sod is going to spend the rest of his life getting searched.
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Post by londonroader on Dec 8, 2011 22:00:43 GMT
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife, Sir" shocked I answered "yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said "I know, but she's good with the kids"
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Post by londonroader on Dec 8, 2011 22:03:46 GMT
I've just brought some 007 viagra........ it makes you Roger Moore.
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Post by londonroader on Dec 8, 2011 22:08:29 GMT
Mick & Paddy were on their way to the police station with 3 hand grenades they found, Mick says to Paddy "what if one goes off" Paddy says " that's all right we will only tell them we found 2"
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Post by kenoxf on Dec 8, 2011 23:25:17 GMT
A skint man walks into a pub on a crowded Saturday night carrying a crocodile under his arm.
He slams the crocrodile on the bar and looks at the astonished boozers
"Look" he says "If I put my cock and balls in this crocodile's closed mouth will you buy me my drinks tonight?"
All the boozers as one shouted "Yeah", expecting some real entertainment and maybe a little bit of blood.
The crocodile opened its mouth, the bloke dropped his trousers and put his private parts into the crocodile's mouth which closed tight on them.
He then picked up an empty bottle of beer and hit the crocodile over the head with the bottle. The crocodile opened its mouth and the man turned to the pub crowd showing his private parts were still intact.
The pub crowd cheered their approval and bought him drinks as promised.
After a while the man looked at the other drinkers in the pub with the crocodile still on the bar.
He asked "Anyone else got the guts to do this?" There was stunned silence, but eventually a woman put her hand up and said "O.K., but as long as you don't hit me over the head with a bottle!"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 9, 2011 20:22:19 GMT
A golfer and his mates were playing a big round of golf for £200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the £200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money. Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 9, 2011 20:23:48 GMT
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 9, 2011 20:24:43 GMT
A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Post by malcolmnl on Dec 12, 2011 14:31:57 GMT
The last two post here by wizzard and davedavies have been removed because both are insulting.
Is this the sort of moderation (ie censorship) you want?
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Post by manorboy on Dec 12, 2011 20:51:48 GMT
Dear Jeremy Kyle. I'm 15, pregnant, my boyfriend is HIV positive, 20 yrs older than me, a convicted drug dealer, carries a gun, and lives in a squat......my problem is...how do I tell my Dad he supports Swindon Town?
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Post by oxontop on Dec 14, 2011 18:57:17 GMT
Swindon Town fan gets married but on the first night his wife confides that she's a virgin. In a total panic the Swindon fan calls his father to ask for advice. He replies, 'Son, get out of there. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours.'
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Post by kuryakin on Dec 16, 2011 22:56:40 GMT
A young Native American boy asks his father 'Tell me about our customs. How do we choose names for babies?' The man replies - 'Well son, when a baby is born, tradition has it that we look outside and name it afterthe first thing we see. When your brother, Running Deer, was born, there was a small stampede taking place nearby. And your sister, Silver Moon, was born on a clear summer night. Does that answer your question?' 'Yes, thank you father' says the lad. The father says 'Anyway, Two Dogs F*cking, when did you become so interested in our heritage?'
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Post by manorboy on Dec 16, 2011 23:44:12 GMT
Englishman Sctsman and Irishman in the bar talking greatest ever inventions. Englishman opines that telephone has been the father of globalisation. The scotsman reckons television is in the same league. The irishman immediately chips in with the vacuum flask....
The englishman and scotsman immediately challenge Paddy on this. 'Whell' says Paddy its quoite stratfarward to be sure. When you put der hot things in it keeps dem hot and when you put der cold things in it keeps dem cold so it does' He then folds his arms. 'AND...?' say the other two. 'Whell how does it know?
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Post by The Fence End on Dec 17, 2011 0:02:02 GMT
Got a bag of rice for Christmas.
Thanks Uncle Ben.
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Post by manorboy on Dec 17, 2011 0:15:16 GMT
She was only admiral's daughter but her naval base was always full of discharged seamen.
She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she used to know how to lay on the slab and say fillet.
She was only the general's daughter but she knew what Reggie meant.
Nostalgia's not what it used to be.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Dec 18, 2011 17:13:16 GMT
As a trucker stops for a red light on the A420 in Swindon a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it he says,............
"Hi, my name is Wayne, it's winter and I'm driving a bloody gritter......."
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Post by oxontop on Dec 18, 2011 20:11:01 GMT
What's the difference between a lorry load of Swindon fans and a lorry load of marbles...?
You can't unload a lorry load of marbles with a pitchfork.
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Post by manorman on Dec 20, 2011 15:58:41 GMT
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
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Post by manorboy on Dec 21, 2011 12:46:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2011 13:03:27 GMT
Merry Christmas everyone on here I know it's early but I suffer from premature congratulation
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