|
Post by headingtonoldboy on Jun 20, 2011 10:35:53 GMT
Some mornings I wake up grumpy.... sometimes I let her sleep.
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 21, 2011 10:29:24 GMT
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mightyswings. The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?' 'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 22, 2011 7:05:20 GMT
Why did the English wear red coats into battle?
During one battle with the French an English colonel was captured.
The French took him to their headquarters and began to interrogate him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In the typical English manner, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show on their tunic and the men they are leading would not be disheartened.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2011 7:10:05 GMT
And Italians too
|
|
|
Post by scummerator on Jun 22, 2011 20:28:53 GMT
1) Two kids were discovered 'sniffing' by Police in a garage in Rose Hill
One was sniffing a car battery and the other was sniffing gun powder.
The Police decided to charge one and let the other one off!
2) Three mates are out night fishing by the Thames, when one of them says to the others... "If your missus was a bird, what bird would she be? "Mine would be a swan, because she's gracious, slender and has a lovely long neck.
The second bloke says "Mine would be a sparrow, because she's cute, tiny and always on the go! "What about you Bert, he said to the third
"Thrush" he said and carried on fishing
"Well why's that asked the first "Can she sing lovely or has she got a freckly chest?
"No" said Bert, "It's because she's an irritating c*** like you two!
3) After the success with his new hair, Wayne Rooney decided to try an Ars*ehole transplant. It immediately rejected him!
4) Two potless paddies step off the ferry in Liverpool and begin walking south toward fame and fortune, when one of them exclaims "Jayzus Murphy, dey live well heyor in England for sure, will yuz look at de age on the grave of dis feller buried at duh side of duh road "Miles from London, 189!
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 22, 2011 20:46:58 GMT
THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, like father like son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 24, 2011 4:53:07 GMT
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life." "Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
|
|
|
Post by behindthegoal on Jun 24, 2011 12:31:59 GMT
This red indian drank 32 cups of PG Tips ...... he drowned in his own teepee.
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 27, 2011 6:16:38 GMT
A Love Story for Golfers
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
|
|
|
Post by manorboy on Jun 27, 2011 8:50:42 GMT
An englishman is doing business in Japan. His hosts are hardworking but also hard playing. They insist on a round of golf even though he protests his inexperience. He is hopeless but was very pleased to hole a putt from 20 metres and the two Japs were very animated shouting yakimoto! yakimoto! That evening the boys go out on the lash and he gets fixed up with a geisha girl of loose morals - he is so enjoying himself with this lovely girl writhing on top of him he wants to show his pleasure and shouts yakimoto! yakimoto!. she looks startled and says 'what you mean wrong hole?!'
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 28, 2011 14:09:17 GMT
A LONDON LAWYER VS. A GLASGOW COP.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
|
|
|
Post by scummerator on Jul 1, 2011 17:36:11 GMT
Swind*n supremeo Paula Dickfannio decides to make pasta for his new team, so he goes to Lidl to get the ingredients when he bumps into Andy Gray
"See yous Pal, wat ye dane oot an aboot in Swenden wee man? said the former Sky superpundit.
"I no lika whadda dey ave atta de ground, so I getta de flour, olive oil anda de eggs fora my players.
"Och wee man, anly en the jab a wee while and yous made a great swap there for that shite!
|
|
|
Post by behindthegoal on Oct 2, 2011 17:58:46 GMT
BBC NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel.
Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 18:11:55 GMT
Son said to father I am gay Dad said to his other son what about you? Son said I am gay too dad. F*** me doesn't anyone in this family like fanny? I do said his daughter
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Oct 3, 2011 20:25:58 GMT
Nurses Aren't Supposed to Laugh.
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
|
|
|
Post by yelloexile on Oct 4, 2011 18:44:57 GMT
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
|
|
|
Post by Boogaloo on Oct 9, 2011 11:51:55 GMT
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? '
Half the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
|
|
|
Post by scummerator on Oct 14, 2011 11:04:03 GMT
Wayne Rooney and a monkey get blasted into space on a mission to the moon.
Once in space, the monkey opened his orders which read:
1)Fly for seven days to the moon 2)Orbit moon three times and land at designated site 3)Exit craft and collect rock samples and do short lunar film session 4)Launch craft from lunar base, fly for seven days and return to Earth 5) Orbit Earth three times and land in Pacific Ocean at designated site
Unable to read, Wayne then put his CD into the machine to listen to his orders which said: FEED THE F***ING MONKEY!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by sihath on Oct 17, 2011 12:11:21 GMT
I met a transvestite from the Manchester area at the weekend.
He had a wig and a dress.
|
|
|
Post by yellowbroski on Oct 17, 2011 14:05:26 GMT
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
WWWYKI
|
|
|
Post by malcolmnl on Oct 26, 2011 14:42:58 GMT
A glass of wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day. At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of E. Coli bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor). Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of shit..
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
|
|
|
Post by ruddymarvless on Oct 27, 2011 21:03:59 GMT
i got my viagra gel and my tippex mixed up last night and woke up this morning with a massive correction
|
|
|
Post by Simon Lill on Oct 27, 2011 21:06:33 GMT
Mr mrs begged me for 12 inches of cock last night.
Can't tell a lie, it fookin hurt folding it in half
|
|
|
Post by Boogaloo on Nov 2, 2011 12:57:56 GMT
What do you call a laptop that sings to you?
A Dell
|
|
|
Post by scummerator on Nov 3, 2011 10:48:12 GMT
I met a transvestite from the Manchester area at the weekend. He had a wig and a dress. Actually it's....... "He had a Wigan address" as a written gag mate...sorry
|
|
|
Post by collyox (banned) on Nov 4, 2011 0:10:28 GMT
I've just heard rumours about a new revolving skyscraper being built in London?
There's a few stories going round.
|
|
|
Post by kenoxf on Nov 7, 2011 23:57:26 GMT
"A man enters the doctor's surgery and the doctor asks him how he can help.
Man: "I have a bit of a problem with me rear end and it feels a bit itchy"
Doctor: "Well, Mr. Jones, just step behind the screen, take your trousers and pants down and bend over and we'll take a look."
The man goes behind the screen takes his trousers down and bends over. The doctor gets down on his knees and looks into Mr. Jones' rear end.
Doctor: "Good grief, Mr. Jones, you've got a £20 note sticking out of your bottom. What shall I do?"
Man: "Well, take it out doctor, take it out."
The doctor takes out the £20 note and lays it down on the floor.
Doctor: "I don't believe it Mr. Jones, there's another £20 note sticking out now!"
Man: "Well take that one out too doctor."
So the doctor keeps taking out one £20 note after another from the man's rear end until there is no more money to take out.
The Doctor says to the man, "Well, Mr. Jones, I think that's the lot.
The man then asks the doctor "Exactly how much money was it altogether doctor?"
"Well", says the Doctor "It was £1,995.00 exactly."
"Ah" says the man "That would explain it then, I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"
|
|
|
Post by ocksford on Nov 8, 2011 11:39:28 GMT
How can a multiple of 20 be 1995?
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2011 12:03:57 GMT
That takes some beating
|
|
|
Post by malcolmnl on Nov 8, 2011 12:15:05 GMT
Threads merged Ken.
|
|