|
Post by malcolmnl on Apr 22, 2011 5:11:41 GMT
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fek-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room. ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 22, 2011 17:27:34 GMT
My census form has been returned.
In answer to the question: ”do you have any dependants”
I put “Asylum seekers, Gyppos, Smackheads, Scotland, Wales, the other members of the EU , Northern Rock, RBS, Lloyds TSB , workshy layabouts, unmarried mothers, Local Authority jobsworths, quangos, Court of Human Rights judges, global warming fanatics and the HSE ”.
Apparently it wasn’t the right answer!
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2011 19:24:12 GMT
Arsenal have put in a bid for Sergio Ramos, they feel his experience at throwing away trophies will be invaluable.
|
|
|
Post by newfan1 on May 9, 2011 15:02:53 GMT
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. * * * That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" ;D
|
|
|
Post by Boogaloo on May 13, 2011 14:49:46 GMT
Went to a job interview the other day, and got asked if I had a police record, to which I replied "Yes I do - Roxanne, Every breath you take, Walking on the moon, Message in a bottle....."
|
|
|
Post by Surreal Madrid on May 13, 2011 14:56:10 GMT
I'm going out with anorexic twins at the moment.
Two birds,one stone.
|
|
|
Post by Boogaloo on May 13, 2011 15:35:54 GMT
Went to a job interview the other day, and got asked if I had a police record, to which I replied "Yes I do - Roxanne, Every breath you take, Walking on the moon, Message in a bottle....." I then got asked to list two referees on my application form. Graham Poll and Jeff Winter claimed they had never heard of me.
|
|
|
Post by lerekdilley on May 13, 2011 15:43:50 GMT
Just watching the Seve Ballesteros funeral on the telly, who was that idiot at the graveside shouting ''get in the hole''?
|
|
|
Post by behindthegoal on May 13, 2011 18:56:47 GMT
Went to a job interview the other day, and got asked if I had a police record, to which I replied "Yes I do - Roxanne, Every breath you take, Walking on the moon, Message in a bottle....." Jeeeez....that brings back memories of 20 yrs ago Aint heard that for Donkeys
|
|
|
Post by behindthegoal on May 15, 2011 11:38:06 GMT
Q: What do the Mafia and cunnilingus have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in the shit.
|
|
|
Post by collyox (banned) on May 18, 2011 22:34:40 GMT
I told the wife I keep getting a stinging sensation in my arse and didnt know what it was. She said, 'Ring sting'. I replied, 'How the f*ck will he know'?
|
|
|
Post by dublinox on May 19, 2011 9:47:31 GMT
Teneriffe won't beheading there again
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2011 7:36:29 GMT
In right thread this time.
The queen has persuaded the Irish government to help out with the campaign against Libya. The Irish Navy are sending 2 ships filled with sand and one full of cement. They are planning to launch mortar attacks!
|
|
|
Post by Aussie Yellow on May 23, 2011 13:05:27 GMT
Here are a few that I have received in e-mails...
5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that? "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129"? The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: " Sure , why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
|
|
|
Post by Aussie Yellow on May 23, 2011 13:06:40 GMT
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics: 1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
|
|
|
Post by Aussie Yellow on May 23, 2011 13:07:59 GMT
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________ _________ ____ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh * tting me? ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did y ou go to? WITNESS: Oral. ____________ _________ _________ _________ __ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ____________ _________ _________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
|
|
|
Post by Aussie Yellow on May 23, 2011 13:14:57 GMT
WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before,but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like ****.'
|
|
|
Post by Aussie Yellow on May 23, 2011 13:36:48 GMT
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied,
Things are just great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc?
The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story
'I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'.' Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the Doctor.
The 86-year-old thought for a minute and said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The Doctor replied, 'My point exactly
|
|
|
Post by Aussie Yellow on May 23, 2011 14:07:31 GMT
A man gets up hung over one morning to find his wife in the kitchen at the stove. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed so very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
|
|
|
Post by Boogaloo on May 27, 2011 17:00:42 GMT
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? (Scroll down)
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 17:45:58 GMT
Peter Beardsley is the latest footballer to be linked to a super injunction. The bird he shagged does not want to be named
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 13, 2011 16:29:39 GMT
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Camaroon and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all colored with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 13, 2011 16:35:59 GMT
A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Didier Drogba for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically we're living with two sluts and a poof."
|
|
|
Post by behindthegoal on Jun 13, 2011 19:09:30 GMT
A person was stealing bird food from a pet shop But was caught with his fingers in the trill.
|
|
|
Post by headingtonoldboy on Jun 13, 2011 21:14:44 GMT
An Englishman,a Scotsman and an Irishman were about to be executed by guillotine. The Englishman went first. As the blade fell it got stuck halfway. The executioner said "Under the rules,you are free to go" The Scotsman went next. Again,the blade got stuck so the Scotsman was free to go as well. The Irishman put his head on the block and said " Ah I see what the trouble is!!"
|
|
|
Post by yelloexile on Jun 15, 2011 13:02:38 GMT
Rumour has it that Alex McLeish resigned over the Marlon King transfer.
Big Eck had gone to the board asking for six defenders.
What he actually got.......
|
|
|
Post by cheekoh on Jun 15, 2011 14:32:48 GMT
When my girlfriend said she's leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2011 20:29:04 GMT
Did you hear about the Irish Abortion Clinic? It has a twelve month waiting list
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 16, 2011 21:13:43 GMT
A Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?' The kid says “How the f*ck should I know?”
|
|
|
Post by Maurice Earp on Jun 18, 2011 18:16:03 GMT
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how ****KING long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
|
|