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Post by malcolmnl on Jan 24, 2011 7:05:05 GMT
I'll start the ball rolling with a true story. Sorry if the language is a bit strong sometimes.
Australian Letter of the Year.... This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Rudd Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing. "Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997,and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!... SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?? I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of all this b*llshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there! And another thing, look at my damn picture... Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that 'd be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' w*nker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?! .... you f*cking morons." Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen. "P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year. However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; You know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN f*cking PAKISTAN !!!..... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government". You are all f*cking idiots!"
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Post by Beav on Jan 24, 2011 9:20:31 GMT
"I put some vodka in my dog's water last night to get him p*ssed.
But my plan backfired when he couldn't get an erection."
A new Mr. Men character has been suggested, based on Emile Heskey.
Mr. Sitter
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Post by junior1 on Jan 24, 2011 9:34:36 GMT
Anyone who thinks paying over a pound for bottled water is value for money should try reading Evian backwards.
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Post by junior1 on Jan 24, 2011 14:20:28 GMT
I went into a brothel and said, "How much for an*l?
She said,
"Sixty quid."
Isaid, "Ah, that's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it.
She said, "Tight arse.
I said, "Oh, go on then."
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Post by malcolmnl on Jan 24, 2011 16:37:10 GMT
Dutch groans audible in Oxford?
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Post by oufcscott on Jan 24, 2011 16:46:41 GMT
Me: Can I have a shag? Girl: No! Me: Wait! I don't think you heard me correctly... Girl: Oh, I think I did... Me: Fine then, what did I say? Girl: "Can I have a shag?"
And that, Your Honour, is why it wasn't rape.
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Post by oufcscott on Jan 24, 2011 17:02:36 GMT
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to f*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and p*ss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see Crimewatch f*cking stage a reconstruction of that.
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Post by malcolmnl on Jan 24, 2011 19:30:09 GMT
MARRIAGE HUMOUR
Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' -------------------------------
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' _____________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' --------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' ________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' --------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' --------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of humour!' --------------------------------------------------------
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '
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Post by Boogaloo on Feb 10, 2011 12:52:13 GMT
Why are Americans so fat?
Answer - In November 1984, Bob Geldof and co. released a song called 'Feed the World'. The following year the Americans released a song called 'We ARE the World'.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 12, 2011 21:19:50 GMT
A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was carrying out a survey. "Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex." "Really!" said the woman smiling. "Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?" "Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!
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Post by behindthegoal on Feb 13, 2011 16:08:13 GMT
The new film about Thatcher is not suitable for miners.
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Post by Surreal Madrid on Feb 13, 2011 16:50:04 GMT
I bought a second hand car from Bonnie Tyler last week.
It's ok but every now and then it falls apart.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2011 18:28:38 GMT
Well oil be hooked
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2011 18:29:15 GMT
Well oil beef hooked Apologies
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Post by Beav on Feb 14, 2011 3:09:24 GMT
Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.
f*cking t*at just shaved my pubes off.
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Post by Beav on Feb 14, 2011 3:11:52 GMT
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm f*cking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f*cking drunk."
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Post by Beav on Feb 14, 2011 3:12:39 GMT
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.
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Post by Maurice Earp on Feb 14, 2011 19:48:19 GMT
Dear Sky
I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a job that I've loved doing.
However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my friend that I was going to tell on air next week.
You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of teenage boys.
One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok sweetheart?" she says.
"Yes Miss" he replies.
"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.
"It's best I stay here Miss. " he says.
"Why?" asks the teacher.
The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"
Yours sincerely.
Andy Gray.
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Post by oxymoron on Feb 16, 2011 19:20:34 GMT
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and a Frenchman, a Belgian, a German, an Austrian, a Bosnian, an Albanian, a Syrian, an Iraqi, an Afghan, an Indian, a Tibetan, a Chinaman, a South Korean, a Filipino, a Cambodian and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman say’s “You can’t come in without a Thai”………
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Post by wizzard on Feb 18, 2011 19:50:07 GMT
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"," thats not a pig its a sheep"says his wife." I wasnt talking to you" replies the husband.
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Post by yelloexile on Mar 11, 2011 14:31:10 GMT
A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She sarcastically asks, - "Is that you or the beer talking...?"
"Actually" , he says .. "It's me........... talking to the beer."
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Post by moobs on Mar 11, 2011 14:57:34 GMT
Swindon Town
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Post by behindthegoal on Mar 13, 2011 15:23:21 GMT
My mate phoned me the other day, He was drinking brake fluid, He told me he's not addicted, He can stop anytime.
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Post by newfan1 on Mar 14, 2011 14:16:16 GMT
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
;D
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 17, 2011 20:37:03 GMT
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man`s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn`t wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
“Well darling, ” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices. ”
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, “Here`s ten pounds. Go to Mark`s and Spencer`s and get some knickers. ”
Two holes further along the Irish Man`s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn`t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
“Well darling, ” she explained, “you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments. ”
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here`s five pounds. Go to Woolworth`s and get some knickers. ” Three holes further on, the Scottish man`s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here`s a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit. ”
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Post by whatever on Mar 18, 2011 23:34:14 GMT
I spoke to my mate the other day and asked hows it going? He said I'm having sex with twins. I said you jammy sod. But by the way how can you tell them apart? He said thats easy Carol has this long blond hair, and Nigels got a cock.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2011 21:45:56 GMT
Love it
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Post by ox9hp18 on Mar 21, 2011 21:54:27 GMT
not bad some good ones there here's mine "i want to die peacufully in my sleep just like my granddad , not like his passengers screaming as the bus went over the cliff "
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Post by Maurice Earp on Mar 27, 2011 20:31:24 GMT
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress. Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis. This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her. Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?" Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
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Post by Maurice Earp on Apr 18, 2011 18:29:34 GMT
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fek-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
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